Monday, February 1, 2010

"Mass Affect" - BioWare's Upcoming Hipster RPG

By Kirk Hamilton

By now, we all know how I feel about BioWare's incredible new role-playing game Mass Effect 2. But even with two massive RPG launches under their belt in just the last four months, BioWare hasn't rested on their laurels. I recently found the pitch for an upcoming spin-off, a modern-day RPG based on the dramatic, emotionally engaging lives of hipsters in San Francisco's Mission District.  Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present this exclusive preview of BioWare's next role-playing epic, Mass Affect.

Create And Personalize Your Avatar

In Mass Affect, players will assume the role of a part-time photography studio receptionist named Shepard. After choosing Shepard's age, sex, tattoo placement, sexual preference, and slightly-edgier stated sexual preference, players will be able to customize their character's appearance through an innovative, intuitive "blind dressing" interface that simulates the act of putting on clothes while standing in a lightless room.  Also, players can invest in vintage sewing machines, re-purposed fabric, and online make-it-yourself clothing guides, resulting in over one million possible character outfits that, while composed of entirely different materials, all manage to look like ill-fitting ass.

An Epic Quest

Mass Affect tells a compelling, Emotionally Engaging story of a single hero facing overwhelming odds. An unknown menace is threatening the outer fringes of the known galaxy (south of 24th street) as unemployed artists, bike messengers, apparently college-educated homeless people, and design-studio interns have begun to vanish at an alarming rate. Shepard must recruit a motley crew to venture into the lawless "Outer Mission" and discover the truth behind the mysterious disappearances. The quest will take Shepard through the whole of San Francisco, from the cold reaches of the Outer Sunset to the corrupt corporate bustle of the Financial District, revealing a sinister plot to force young people to get jobs and reasonable haircuts.

An Open World Filled With Varied Side-Quests

The world of Mass Affect is a sprawling, open-world playground navigated via bicycle, MUNI, and an all-new ride-bumming mechanic. In addition to the main story, Mass Affect will offer a plethora of engaging side-quests, including bike messenger assignments, competitive coffee-brand disparagement, horrible-dancing competitions, and an interactive café-posturing minigame that involves using motion controls to keep the cover of your barely-skimmed copy of Dostoevsky's "The Idiot" within eyeshot of as many cute girls as possible.

A Rich Cast Of Characters

Central to the player's quest to save their friends from a life of Squaritude is the recruitment of a strong, loyal team.  Using the patented Mumblecore Dialogue Wheel(TM), members can be recruited from all over the city, including Dahl the jewelry-stand owner, Briann the sitar-enthusiast, April the girl who has a car, and Bill, a corporate lackey who works in a highrise downtown but whose pressed suits hide his ironic tattoos and collection of sharpied Chuck Taylors.  In the BioWare tradition, romance will be an option with select party members, provided you are careful about drunk-texting and never, ever talk about commitment.

Your Decisions Matter

In their quest, Players will be given a plethora of choices, each one altering the game's ever-branching storyline. Do you protest the construction of an American Apparel, or do you strike a deal with the owners and allow them to build?  Do you choose to ride a fixie, or do you secretly install brakes on your bike? Do you allow your party members to know that not only do you actually still like Franz Ferdinand, but you don't really care for mashups that much? Be careful! Choices that seemed clear-cut can have unforeseen consequences that seriously impact your cred.

Unprecedented DLC Support

BioWare is committed to supplying its players with top-rate Downloadable Content, and Mass Affect will be no exception. Since the definition of hipster changes on an hourly basis, DLC will be regularly released through the in-game "Pitchfork Network," allowing players to keep their own personal Shepard from being even a minute behind the times. New characters will also be made available to be downloaded immediately, though they will only turn up in the game when their flakey asses are good and ready.

The Next Great BioWare Franchise

BioWare is very excited to add this new franchise to their decades-deep, hugely celebrated catalog of outstanding role playing games. Featuring an unprecedentedly tedious open world, incredible player freedom from responsibility, the next evolution of BioWare's branching plot model, and innovative navel-gazing dialog, Mass Affect will mark the start of an epic trilogy that will continue for years to come, or at least until it turns 30.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

SO
MUCH
WIN

Anonymous said...

Beyond funny and into epic.

Bravo!

Will said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I snorted coffee out my nose and almost peed my pants. Excellent work...

Anonymous said...

Ugh, stick to concise reviews of new games. Are you a new father? This whole thing reads like a dad joke. Do you not like the pants that the kids wear these days? How about their music? Half of your tracks of the decade read like you're a closet member of the skinny-jeans contingent.

Basho said...

"the skinny-jeans contingent"? Best. Band. Name. ever!

As for the article, I like it.

Kirk Hamilton said...

Glad y'all are enjoying the post.

@Anonomyous #2 - I actually happen to have a soft spot for Dad Humor. But no, I'm not a member of the SJC; I'd describe myself as "Hipster Adjacent."

@Basho - Dan and I were talking about the intense difficulty of the Deep Roads in Dragon Age and realized that we would totally get into a black metal band called "Raped By Golems."

Anonymous said...

"april the girl who has a car" is terrific

U1ahBme said...

HA! I love the "Mumblecore Dialogue Wheel(TM)"

David Spira said...

This is excellent. Well played.

Anonymous said...

Very well played, sir. Describes so many people I know.

See you at Delirium.

BirdyBot said...

Aww! Great post guys! Just bookmarked the site!

PS, lovin the descriptions of yourselves on the sidebar, hilarious! Keep up the good words

PPS: yikes, my word authentication is phagg.... feelin a bit weird about that

Dan the Man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Seth Thomas Rasmussen said...

A fresh take on a tired premise. Well done, sir!

max hats said...

So, basically a graphical mod for Dragon Age?

Dr said...

Dude, I saw the Skinny Jeans Contingent open for Electric Meat like, two weeks ago. Then they headlined last week at the Aphid Club with Spork Pirate. They're so over now. All the COOL people are going to see Soy Bomb this week...

Anonymous said...

Those are my friends in that photo... Weird.

The WZAd said...

Genius!