Monday, April 19, 2010

Fisher-Fest 2010

By Kirk Hamilton

I like Splinter Cell: Conviction. It has a ton of really cool stuff going on, and is generally fun to play. I only offer that qualifier because between this post and the last one, you could be forgiven for getting the impression that I don't like the game even though I actually do.

But in addition to enjoyable sneaking and shooting, Splinter Cell: Conviction also features some of the most laughably bad in-game dialogue I've ever heard. From the moment enemies spot you, they just cut loose with the barks, loudly and enthusiastically sharing their battlefield positions, hatred/admiration of Sam Fisher, tactical decisions, big-picture motivations, and personal hang-ups.

These soldiers seem dedicated to really communicating with Fisher, and for some reason, they seem to particularly enjoy calling him by his last name. Their quips and taunts are so hilariously awful that I felt somehow obligated to transcribe them and record them here.

My task was simple: Every time an enemy said "Fisher," I made a note of what he said. At first, I was just surprised at the variety of ways that Sam's surname made it into the battle chatter, but as the hours passed and the quotes accumulated, that surprise gave way to a sort of shocked disbelief.

When all was said and done, I was looking at around a hundred lines of dialogue. I find myself feeling a sort of weirded-out respect - the script of Splinter Cell: Conviction appears to be the product of one writing team's passionate, almost psychotic dedication to inserting the word "Fisher" absolutely everywhere they could.

Examples range from the refreshingly simple:
"Die, Fisher, Die!" 
to the complex:
"When Fisher comes through here, he's gonna be hit by so many rounds he's gonna turn to soup." 
Sometimes they are designed to remind you what a badass Sam is:
"You guys, if you see Fisher, shoot to kill. The guy's an ex-SEAL, for fuck's sake!"
and sometimes to remind you of the plot:
"Still don't see Fisher. Are we sure he's here, in Third Echelon?"
and sometimes they do both at once:
"No sign of Fisher. I heard he kicked ass at Third Echelon, so we'd better get ready."
Some of them are hilariously specific:
"Show yourself, Fisher! Let's have a gunfight in the streets of DC!"
and some make no sense at all:
"You're a funny prisoner, Fisher. You're like the rat from the junkyard." 
I put them all in a list; it's below. A few notes - these are all real and were all transcribed from the game. Some of them are almost identical to others, but each one is unique. In order to truly "get" the experience, read them one by one and imagine hearing them repeated over and over again by the same four identikit soldiers.

My favorite one is at the end, and I also included a few that don't feature the word "Fisher" but were too funny not to share. Without further ado:

"It can't be anyone from the inside; it's gotta be Fisher!"

"Still don't see Fisher. Are we sure he's here, in Third Echelon?"

"No sign of hostile activity. Fisher wouldn't try his luck here, that'd be fuckin' crazy!"

"It's gotta be Fisher!"

"Target is hiding. Be smart! Fisher's a pro."

"Anything new on the security feed? I'm sure Fisher wants to see our new layout."

"Fisher's located!"

"No contact, looks clear. Sam Fisher's not around right now."

"I've got no contact with Fisher!  I do NOT want him alive!"

"Our guest, Fisher, is still hiding. Put an end to him!"

"No sign of Fisher, did anyone check the restricted areas?"

"Nobody sees Fisher? Damn it! Let's kill him before Colonel Reed kills us."

"We'd better hurry up and find Fisher, gentlemen, we have to close our building."

"That wasn't a civilian playing with guns, that was Sam Fuckin' Fisher!"

"No contact with Fisher, and he's still on our turf."

"Fuck you! I'm not afraid of you, Fisher."

"Fisher's overrated. Predictable."

"Area secure. Are we sure that Fisher's in the Lincoln Memorial Zone?"

"No Fisher yet. Find him! He's sure as hell not having a coffee."

"Wait 'till you see Fisher, then let me know, and we'll have backup down here so fast it'll make your head spin."

"Enough of this Fisher crap. In less than four hours, this city's gonna go back to the dark ages."

"Die, Fisher, Die!"

"Hey, Fisher, come here!  Meet my baby!"

"Fisher's not getting through here."

"I've got no contact with Fisher. I do not want him alive in our building."

"No Fisher around here. We'd better hurry before the cops come."

"No sign of Fisher or any other hostile activity. Keep Prentiss informed."

"That you again, Fisher? You know it's too late already, right?"

"Oh, crap! You're Fisher!"

"It's not a 'gas leak,' Fisher!"

"Keep firing! Fisher's in there!"

"Does Colonel Prentiss know it's Fisher for sure?"

"Surround Fisher!"

"It's over, Fisher! Not this time!"

"Fisher's buddy hasn't gotten in yet."

"Fisher's not in sight. Are we sure he was at the Lincoln?

"Code Three for the EMP zone. Fisher's on the loose."

"You won't pass this gun, Fisher."

"Fisher's on the loose! Fuck, you guys, we're ready for war, and he's gonna make fools of us again!"

"Fisher's behind cover. We have to kill him before the detonation."

"Got something bad on the Reservoir site. This was Fisher!"

"Alright people, this is very simple. Some of you may have heard that Sam Fisher is somewhere around here."

"Your orders take priority! Do you understand me? ...but if you see Fisher, feel free to put a few bullets in him."

"Outrun this, Fisher!"

"How's it feel, Fisher? Knowing that you'll go down in history as the man who shot president Caldwell?"

"You don't want to fight me, Fisher? Asshole?"

"Show me how you did it back at the airfield, Fisher! Come Get Me!"

"You got away with it in our airfield, Fisher, but now it's over!"

"We're 'City Workers', Mr. Fisher. We're here to 'protect' you! Show yourself!"

"They didn't get Fisher at the market. I guess it's up to us now, man."

"Any news on Fisher, guys? He's priority number one."

"Is that you, Fisher?"

"First you left us at the Airfield, then you come to the fair? Come on, Fisher, it can't be!!"

"It's you, isn't it, Fisher!"

"You don't stand a chance, Fisher!"

"You're pathetic, Fisher.  C'mere!"

"Shit, Fisher! You're hiding!"

"Eat it, Fisher! You shoulda stayed at the Market!"

"Kobin's gonna pay up big when I put a bullet in you, Fisher."

"Show yourself, Fisher, I'm a nice guy..."

"We'd better find Fisher fast. Some of us have to meet up with Colonel Reed."

"I'm not afraid of you, Fisher. Come out and fight!"

"You guys, if you see Fisher, shoot to kill. The guy's an ex-SEAL, for fuck's sake."

"Be careful with Fisher, guys. I hear he's a pro."

"I got you, Fisher!"

"Keep your eyes out for Fisher, guys. Besides the shipment, he's priority #1."

"They told us you were a badass, Fisher. This is pathetic."

"Lookin for a plane, Fisher? C'mere!  I'll make ya fly."

"Escape this, Fisher!"

"C'mon Fisher, show yourself!"

"I knew you'd show up, Fisher!"

"Fisher's alive! We missed him at the Lincoln but we won't in our building. Find him!"

"What'd the lady say to ya, Fisher?"

"Damn it. Fisher's tearing the airfield apart!"

"That's Fisher!"

"Fisher's still in our building and he's on the loose. I repeat: Fisher is on the loose."

"You're a funny prisoner, Fisher. You're like the rat from the junkyard."

"You shoulda stayed with the lady, Fisher."

"There's Fisher!"
(is shot in face)

"Old man Fisher's still on the loose in our building. Find him!"

"Keep searching! Don't let up until we find Fisher."

"You gonna give your blood to the scientists, Fisher?"

"No sign of Fisher. I heard he kicked ass at Third Echelon, so we'd better get ready."

"Everything's clear on my end. No Fisher, no employees left... nothin'."

"No Fisher yet, but we'd better find him. "

"No hostile contact. We have to act as if it was Fisher."

"Subject located. It's Fisher!"

"That's right, Fisher, you'd better hide after what you did to Lambert!"

"Show yourself, Fisher! Let's have a gunfight in the streets of DC!"

"We're not seeing Fisher! The EMP blast knocked out the lights in the street. That's helping him!"

"You like the theater, Fisher? You want to make it your own show?"

(After searching the area.) "Nothing. Hope it's not Fisher again, hiding in the shadows of these fuckin' streets."

"Fisher's alive, come on guys, we can't let him get to the White House!"

"When Fisher comes through here, he's gonna be hit by so many rounds he's gonna turn to Soup." 

"Fisher? That guy's harder to kill than a cockroach with an Uzi."

My personal favorite:

"Watch your back, guys - it looks like we might have a hostile. His name might be... fucking Fisher!" 

Some non-Fisher lines that were awesome anyway:

"You'll die on your knees, like a scientist!"
(Shouting into the darkness) "If you're the ghost of the museum... die a second time!"

"Show yourself! It's a museum, not a park!"

(Upon finding downed comrade.) "He's dead. This asshole's dangerous!"

"What do you think you are? Some kind of ninja? Give me a break!"

(In co-op) "What are you, Chechens?"

"Your daughter? Your precious little daughter? She's a fucking whore!"

"Whoever you are, it's not a public airfield, in case you didn't notice!"

"Watch your eyes, I'm throwing a flashbang!"


Anonymous said...

"Alright people, this is very simple. Some of you may have heard that Sam Fisher is somewhere around here."


The Tetchy Snail said...

It appears that the devs are allowing many monkeys with typewriters to craft their dialogue for them, pausing only to insert the word 'Fisher', and possibly 'fucking'.

Trochee said...

You'll die on your knees, like a scientist!

totally my new motto.

TheCube said...

"Watch your eyes, I'm throwing a flashbang!"

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Anonymous said...

Truly the best is 'Shit Fisher, you're hiding!'

Kirk Hamilton said...

Wow, it'd been a while since I read these. For pure face-palming ridiculousness, "Shit, Fisher! You're Hiding!" is indeed pretty outstanding. haaa what the hell

Anonymous said...

You were featured on Rock Paper Shotgun, on The Sunday Papers section.

Under the subject of the post, check this out:

Anonymous said...

What happens when an ex-special forces commando shares a Manhattan apartment with a gay fashion designer? HILARITY!

Coming this fall on the WB: "That's Fisher!"

Anonymous said...

"You think it's funny? How about I shove my boot up your ass!"

I THINK it was in the game. It sure sounded like it.

Anonymous said...

you wanna talk about deranged and psychotic?

I got some lines you missed:

"FISHERRR!!! YOU'RE A DEAD MOTHERFUCKEERRRRR!!!!" -after you shot his friend-


"You're not gonna lay a GODDAMN finger on me, and do you know why? Because you're gonna be DEAD! YA HEAR ME? DEAD!! MotherFUCKer!"
-it's like he just really got pissed at the fact that while he's doing his Paul Heyman act, Sam's killing all of his goons.-

Anonymous said...

Oh wait I forgot:

"You wanna play hide and seek, huh? Well, game on, fucker."

-gets shot in the face with a silencer-

Anonymous said...

This dialogue is a major improvement over Rainbow Six Vegas! All I ever heard in that game was "FUCK YOU!"

Anonymous said...

Remember the airfield!

Treehugga said...

just replace Jesus with Fisher and you have Splinter Cell game.

Anonymous said...

"I had friends at the airfield, Fisher!" is also a line that got shouted around during my playthrough.

Anonymous said...

How come no one remembers "you hidin with the nerds, Fisher? Come out and fight!" Its the best in the game.

Anonymous said...

My favourite is from co-op/deniable ops... (In a Russian accent) "You think we come running like horny dog?".

Anonymous said...

My favorite one by far is:
"Come on little girl...Show your ass to the Pilots!"