Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Seven Things I Learned About the World by Playing Red Dead Redemption

By Dan Apczynski

1. When propositioned by a hooker the polite response is, “No thank you, ma’am. Unfortunately, I have a wife.”
This no-bullshit response pulls triple duty by highlighting one’s respect for the world’s oldest profession, declining the invitation, and offering insight into one’s true feelings about marriage. If you know what’s good for you, your wife had better be out of earshot.

2. At the blackjack table, nobody will ever suggest that it’s a bad idea to stand on 8.
So what if you’ve been playing blackjack for years? It’s still pretty easy to get confused with all this “hit” and “stand” business (when one of two closely placed buttons ultimately determines your call). Don’t expect anyone to be impressed that you like to live dangerously.

3. It’s hard to swim in spurs.
Sorry, cowboys: Michael Phelps you are not.

4. Mexican bandits and Mexican police look an awful lot alike.
To all of the honorable Mexican law bringers who have died in the line of duty because of me, I’m sorry. I couldn’t tell whether you were shooting at the bad guys or me. Banditos, if you’d please take a cue from your white/Native American colleagues north of the border and pick out some funny looking hats, we’d all really appreciate it.

5. Camping is a great way to get where you’re going.
Who knew stopping for a siesta on the nearest mesa would be such a great way to get from here to there? The hell with taking a cab—next time I get wasted in the Mission and need to get back to the other end of the city, I’m going to duck into a nearby alley and build myself a campfire.

6. Horse reincarnation is an accelerated process.
While you’re out on the range, it’s important to always respect and care for your equine companion. But if she takes a bullet or runs off a cliff, don’t sweat it too bad—the transmigration of a horse’s soul functions on a “revolving door” system, and doesn’t take much longer than a minute or two. As a bonus, if you bought Mister Ed from your local purveyor of horse deeds, your new filly will be a carbon copy of the one you just sent to its maker. Strange and mystical creatures!

7. There’s a bigger market for dead armadillos than you'd think.
Next time you’re forced to cut coupons between paychecks, crawl through the brush with your trusty pea shooter and take down every armadillo that scampers your way. Those weird little critters fetch a surprisingly substantial price. It’s a good idea to get in now, though, before the armadillo bubble bursts.


Jay said...

8. Stagecoach drivers may rob you if you fall asleep.
It's a late night in Chuparosa where you've spent all day ripping the hearts out of wolves and picking woolly blue curls. Too tired for the long ride back to Armadillo, you hop in a stagecoach and pay the nice man the reasonable rate of $12 for the trip across the border. "I'm gonna get some shuteye," you mutter to the driver and fall fast asleep. A moment later you awake. It's morning. The on-screen prompt lets you know you've reached your destination. You hop out and as the stagecoach drives off, you get another message prompt: "-$108"... WTF DUDE. The driver stole your pelt money and has disappeared into the vapor.
What a dick.

*Great list, Dan!*

Dan the Man said...

Thanks Jay! Excellent addition.

PS What's up with those wolf hearts, anyway? I kind of feel like the only reason to rip the heart out of an animal you killed would be, like, to take a big bite out of it or something, but that hardly seems like John Marston's style.

Kirk Hamilton said...

Maybe it's a bit of a wank, but I got the sense that the wolf-hearts were a valued commodity because of a bounty. Like, the kind that ranchers would put on wolves and other herd-hunting predators?

"$10 for every man who brings a Wolf's black heart to the Armadillo general store!"

Jay said...

I think wolf hearts must have been like the viagra of the early 20th century. Why else would they be worth so much? It makes sense when you think of all the crazy low-lifes you catch trying to slice up prostitutes. Hmm, That would make a great ad campaign:

"Don't take your manly frustrations out on the lady. Have a wolf heart and regain your vitality today!"

At least, that's how I imagine Nigel West Dickens would do it.